The natural evolution into adulthood may look different for everyone. But the shifts tend to flow into a rhythm. You might move from being in school to working or starting a family. You may be in a long-term partnership or marriage, or become a parent along the way. So what happens to your friends as you matriculate through different stages? This episode of Young Black MRS Morgane dives deep into the fascinating topic of evolving friendships as life unfolds.
In this two-part episode, I chat with Kelli Hearn, a writer, artist, and behavioral researcher with a master’s in Family and Human Development. Kelli’s most recent project explores non-partnered people, friendship, and community building, making her the right person to start this two-part conversation about the nuances of evolving friendships.
The Single to Partnership Shift in Friendship
What happens first? According to Kelli’s research, the traditional norms of marriage and family still hold pretty steady despite some women going against the proverbial grain but choosing not to be coupled or carry children (for health reasons or other reasons). Kelli notes that around the mid-30s, you might look around and notice you are moving along in your journey through life. Much like the board game LIFE, your friendship takes a shift when you decide to focus on career over love and coupling.
Proximity and Perspective: The Double-Edged Sword of Distance
Proximity is a double-edged sword that can bring your friends in school so close to you that they literally feel like family. But at the same time, when the proximity is too far, for some, friends can go forgotten. As I stated in the podcast, I had the experience where someone told me I’m so far away they don’t even think about me, which hurt very badly. But since I have the blessing of hindsight, I’ve realized that our paths crossed when they needed to cross, and they can split apart just as calmly.
This evolution is natural and, frankly, a part of life. It can leave you with friends who serve many purposes in your current life. Not every friend you have will be the one to open up and tell your deepest secrets, dreams, and aspirations. Some friends might be the ones you go get brunch with on Sundays.
Friendships for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime: Embracing Different Roles
Compartmentalizing your friends, as discussed in this episode, allows you to reach out to the appropriate friend for the right occasion. Perhaps you have mom friends, married friends, friends from school, friends from college, friends from work, etc. What you chat with your work friend across the cubicle might feel very one-note compared to what you might tell a friend you’ve known since college. Or maybe it’s the other way around for you. Understand that every friend is for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Also, remember that you might be in a different season than your friend. Perhaps they are having their own personal summer while you’re in the cold of winter. The sad truth is that values can change. You can change, and that’s totally acceptable.
Protecting Your Bonds: The Power of Communication
Communication is key. Remain intentional with your friends through check-in communication and in-person connections. Don’t be flaky. I am a firm believer that friendship is 90% about showing up. Ultimately, the process of evolving friendships is a testament to our own growth and the ever-changing tapestry of our lives. It’s okay for friendships to look different over time, and it’s essential to honor the connections that continue to enrich your journey. Embrace the friends who resonate with you in your current season, and release those who no longer serve you with love and understanding. Your evolving friendships reflect your evolving self – a beautiful and natural process.